First Mom

So our home study update was quick and easy, which are two adjectives I don't think I have ever been able to use in this process... 

The phone call with the program coordinator has yet to happen. I am a little frustrated by this, but I have a feeling that it is not going to be any new news anyways. Maybe she has not called because she is so busy with new referrals or something. Wishful thinking, but hey. 

So, yesterday was Mother's Day. A day that can be hard for many, including but not limited to those who are struggling with infertility or grieving the loss of a child, those that are on an adoption journey, daughters that are missing a mother who has died or who they have never been close with... Just like Valentine's Day is not a single person's most favorite day of the year. 

My Mother's Day was good, largely due to the fact that I do have a little girl that lights up my world every day. She told me "Happy Mother's Day" about 50 times yesterday, each time accompanied by a hug and/or kiss... no exaggeration there! About 40 of those instances happened in the hour between when we got home and when she went to bed. I think she was a tad delirious. I also have a Mom and mother-in-law to celebrate. I got to see my mother-in-law yesterday and I will see my Mom in just a few days, so it was good. I did, however, feel that all-too-familiar aching that has become an expected part of this adoption journey for me.

Anyone that is at any point in the adoption process is probably familiar with the mysterious longing that is always present. Mysterious, in that one does not expect to so badly desire to be with someone that they haven't ever met or know anything about. I knew it would happen after we receive a referral, which is still potentially months away. But now? Prior to starting this journey, the only ones I have so desired to physically see and hold that I had not met were my daughter (as she was in the womb) and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I only had to wait nine months to hold Brielle, and even fewer months than that to get my first glimpse of her in an ultrasound. It is laughable to think that my time being pregnant felt like forever as I impatiently waited to have her in my arms. For my next child I have been "expecting" now for over 17 months and counting. Oh, perspective.

I will be homesick for Heaven (the only place of perfection, where there is no pain, no tears, no corruption) to see Jesus until my time on earth is finished, and now I am in a sense homesick for the DRCongo (the poorest country in the world, where corruption, disease, starvation, sexual and physical violence run rampant... where orphans overflow from the orphanages and vulnerable children are living on the streets) because in that broken country sleeps my child(ren). I find it ironic that the two places I desire to go are polar opposites in how they can be described. I also find it awesome that the powers ruling these two places collide when Christians, citizens of Heaven, who have Christ in them through the power of the Holy Spirit, invade the darkness to show the abandoned that they are indeed treasured and loved. That is, after all, what we are called to do: Shine the light of Christ wherever we go, freely lavishing the love and hope He has given us onto others.

That ache in my heart that has become so familiar to me was particularly painful as I desired to have our Congolese child(ren) in my arms celebrating this Mother’s Day with us as we got up early and prepared for a three hour drive to surprise my mother-in-law and everyone at our church that we had to leave almost three months ago when we moved to Birmingham. As I often do, I imagine what life will be like with him/her/them here, which is sometimes tricky and vague since our preferences are so unspecific: Up to two, boys or girls, infant to 4 years old. While some adoptive families are requesting an infant girl or an infant boy (and if you are, that is wonderful! It just isn't what we were called to specify), painting the nursery and filling it with age and gender appropriate things, we have nothing to do but focus on what God would have us do right now in the other areas of our lives, pray, and wait for that glorious day that we receive a referral. Will it be one boy, or a girl? Will he or she be a year old, or two or three or four? Or is it God's plan to grow our family by two? If so, will it be two boys or two girls, or one of each? Will they be the same age, or will one be an infant while the other is 2 or 3 or 4? As you can see, there is such a wide variety of possibilities. This makes my longing all the more mysterious to me. 

So why was yesterday particularly painful? Because Mother's Day one year ago we were five months into our anticipated timeline of a 12-14 month adoption process. I knew we had hit some setbacks but I assumed the timeline wouldn't change as drastically as it has. As a result of my naivete, I entertained the thought of, "This time next year, he/she/they will be home with us. I will go from a mother of one to possibly three between now and then!" Oh, how excited I was.

Speaking of being "a mother of one"... Despite the constant longing for my child(ren) I have yet to meet, I am reminded daily of the beauty and joy I have in raising this little 5 year old blessing that calls me her Mommy. She loves hugs and kisses and cuddles. She has a huge heart for God, her family and friends, animals, and dressing up. (Speaking of animals, she has a ladybug sleeping in a mason jar in her dollhouse right now. She's quite the literal princess, so she has named her new pet "Lady." Much like the stuffed zebra she is sleeping with is named "Zeebie.") This little girl begs me to lie in bed beside her "for just one minute" every single night after story, prayer, and lullabies are over. She wants to be around me so much that she will sneak into bed next to me most nights between the hours of 4 and 6 a.m, and I love it. She showers me with countless hugs and kisses every day and not a day goes by that isn't full of smiles and laughter because of the things she says and does. 

Amidst those hugs, she has been saying something that confuses me lately. A lot, like usually once daily for the past few months she does this. She will wrap her sweet little arms around me, squeeze me tightly, and say, “You’re the first Mom I ever loved.” It wasn't until yesterday that I realized something about this statement that hasn't ever made much sense to me... I mean, of course I'm the first Mom she's ever loved! And I hope to be the one and only! 

And then the realization hit me like a ton of bricks: My adopted children have a first Mom, and they love her. I won't be the first Mom they ever loved. 

They might be with their first Mom now, loving her from either in her womb or while sleeping on her chest. 

They may be toddlers with their first Mom, loving her as she is doing her best to care for them as she is on the brink of starving to death. 

They might be preschool age, heartbroken and desperately longing for her as they have just been dropped off at the orphanage by a grandmother who cannot afford to keep them. She took them in last year when their Mom, who had been abandoned by their father before they were even born, died of AIDS but had loved them with all her heart until her last breath. They loved her back, and they will until they take theirs. 

They might be loving their first Mom as she abuses them because they remind her of the brutal rapes she has been through. She too was abused as a child, and her heart hardened because loving had left her too vulnerable. She may withhold love from them, but they are not capable of withholding their love from her. 

There are obviously a hundred different scenarios I could paint regarding our child(ren) and his/her/their birth mother, all possibilities based on what I have read concerning the horrific conditions that are creating orphans daily. Even after this journey to end the status of "orphan" for one or two children, there is no guarantee that we will know for certain what happened to the birth mom that resulted in them being abandoned. We started this journey assuming that they will be orphans because the birth mom has died of disease, famine, or violence/war, the three reasons the country has such a huge orphan crisis right now. It was not until I started reading other DRC adoption blogs that I realized it is sorta common for the birth mom to not only be alive but for the adopting family to meet her at some point during their stay in country. 

Ultimately, regardless of their situation, I will not be the first Mom they've ever loved. I may be the second, or even the third as most orphans bond with their caregiver in the orphanage. But that is ok with me. Eventually, they will love me too… and even before they love me, I will love them. Because I already do. 

So my heart is heavy for all the "first moms" across the world that have made/ are making/ will make the agonizing decision to give their children up for adoption. And my heart is heavy that, because this world we live in is so broken and messed up, children sometimes need second or third or fourth Moms. I am grateful, however, that God has chosen me to mother as many of them as He wills. 

Quick Update

Tomorrow we have TWO adoption-related things going on, which is a refreshing break from all this waiting!

The first is a phone call with the DRCongo program coordinator for an update, so that is potentially exciting. In the past there hasn't been much to update us on in these phone calls, which can be frustrating, but we are hopeful we will hear encouraging news of some sort.

The second is that a social worker that works for our agency is coming to update our home study since we moved a couple months ago. Our I600A is sitting at U.S. Immigration waiting on them to update our home study before they can approve us to bring up to two orphans into the country from the DRCongo. We also have a biometric fingerprint appointment in about two weeks. So by the end of this month we should have the U.S. side of the adoption finished until after we come home with our kid(s)!

Thank you for following our journey. I will update as to what we find out tomorrow and I am also going to share some new fundraising news soon. May the love and peace of Christ surround you wherever you are, in the middle of whatever situations you are in.

God Knew

Remember in this post I mentioned that I'm not sure if I want to make this an "information only" blog or if I want to be raw and honest? Well, this post is a result of me deciding to let you take a peek into my heart.

"You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." (Prov. 19:21) 

When we first began this journey in December of 2011 by attending an informational meeting and choosing the Congo program, we thought we knew what to expect. In our plans, we would quickly move through the home study process, be matched with a little boy or girl within a few months, and spend every moment possible planning fundraising events and preparing to bring him or her home. We were hopeful that we would be planning our trip to the DRC to pick him or her up while simultaneously planning my graduation from college in December 2012 since we were given a timeline of 12-14 months. I even envisioned how neat it would be if the dates fell in such a way that we would be heading to Africa within days after my graduation ceremony. 

We didn't know all of the hangups and setbacks and mountains and valleys and tears and frustrations and disappointing moments that would bring us to where we are now.

But... God knew.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)

We thought that our plans would work out pretty perfectly. We were pursuing Him and His will for our lives, after all. We knew that our heart for adoption was directly an overflow of His heart into ours. We would, even to this day, bet our lives on the fact that He has called us down this path. Where we messed up is that we really thought He would be on board with what we planned for this path to look like. We didn't know the timeline we were counting on would not only be drastically changed, but thrown out the window altogether. But He knew. And I'm thinking He would've told us, if we would've thought to ask.

From where I stand now, I can look back and see some things. (Hindsight is always 20/20, right?) I can see that at the beginning we were trusting ourselves and our plans more than His plans. When your eyes are opened to the plight of the orphans, you want to do whatever you can as quickly as you can. It feels right and it feels like the only thing to do. Why wouldn't God want us to bring one home as soon as possible? Our intentions were so genuine and so good. However...

I can see now that having a child or two (since we've learned that His plans just might involve more than one, despite our initial plans) home with us just as we began packing up the house to move into a new city a few months later would have been overwhelming, to say the least, for him/her/them.

I can see now that He is challenging us to become debt-free while also adopting without going into debt. (Our original plan for covering adoption costs was to save and fundraise the best we could, then take out a loan for any remaining amount necessary.) It is hard to determine how much excess monthly income to pour into debt and how much to pour into our adoption account, especially since this "excess" I speak of is not by any means an impressive number. But He is teaching us, and He is proving Himself faithful over and over again as we seek to do this His way and not our own.

I can see now that I am in a season of my life where I can place a lot of my attention into what He is calling me to do locally, some of which will not be able to get a lot of my time and energy for the first 3-6 months after bringing our child(ren) home. Instead of worrying about my child(ren) daily, I must focus on the task-at-hand. By asking myself, "Lord, what would You have me do TODAY?" I can fulfill His plans and purposes for me in this season. He's wanting to mold me in so many different ways right now - into a better mom, wife, homemaker, friend, sister, teacher, neighbor, and more - and I'll miss valuable opportunities to be molded if I focus on the adoption alone. Don't misunderstand; It is good and important for me to think about and pray for the children He is bringing into our family, as well as to pray and advocate for all orphans. I just have to be careful, because my passion runs so deep that it can consume me and distract me from the other things He has for me to do.

I'm still learning a lot; I'm definitely a work-in-progress.

I can see now our adoption process isn't the dead end that it's felt like so many times in the past. It is moving like the ocean waves during a high tide: forward... then back... and forward again. Ever so gradually, yet ever so assuredly as well. And, just as the tide, our adoption is being directed by God alone, not man.

He knew that I would face discouragement and often feel helpless as the need is so great yet the road so bumpy. He knew the tears were coming, and He can relate to the heartache and longing I feel for my child(ren) I haven't even seen a picture of yet. He's been with us, and them, every single step of the way. He's not gonna leave.

Not a single aspect of this journey has caught Him by surprise. Not only is He not surprised by anything thus far, but nothing in the future is going to catch Him off guard either. He holds the future in His hands. So that's good enough reason for me to not worry or stress about a single thing. That's good enough reason for me to trust Him above all. He knows... He's always known.... He will forever know. And He knows best.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

Catching Up, Part 2

Ok, time to back up. I'm going to do this with some help from one of my first blog posts:

Since being accepted, we have: Had the orientation phone call, completed two of the four required home study interviews, started on the required training modules and required readings, and dug into the mountain of paperwork. When our home study is complete in the next 1-2 weeks, the next step will be to wait on our referral. 

Our home study hit some major setbacks shortly after I wrote that. If I could go back, I would say to the naive Desiree: "You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail." (Prov. 19:21) It's definitely a verse I will never forget now, regarding not only adoption but also every other area of my life.

Our social worker "M" went on early maternity leave due to doctor's orders, but that wasn't really a big deal because they just temporarily assigned someone else to us until she could come back. However, the new social worker brought to light some important things that were missing in our file before the home study interviews could be completed. We also needed to finish those fun required readings and training modules, which took a few weeks longer than we hoped due to our insanely busy school and work schedules. It was so hard to try to meet all the demands in our lives when our hearts just wanted to put everything on standby and finish all that was necessary to move forward in our adoption process. Our hearts were so weary and torn during this time. By the time we finished everything that needed to be done, "M" was back from maternity leave. We met her for our final home studies and all we lacked was processed Child Abuse and Neglect (CAN) forms.

These forms are required for each state we've lived in, so there were three for Brett and me: North Carolina, Tennessee, and Alabama. The NC and AL ones came back swiftly, but when "M" checked on our TN ones she found out they needed to be resubmitted because there was a policy change that went into effect the days immediately following when they received ours (which they failed to notify her or us about). As annoying as that was, it was an easy fix. Then, a couple weeks later we found out our re-submitted forms got misplaced when "M" called to check on their status. (And I must say, we absolutely love "M". The setbacks we had with our CANs could have taken even longer if she wasn't always checking on them. We don't blame her for any of the problems we've encountered.)

By the time all of this was cleared up, months had passed. We finished our home study meetings, documents, and requirements in October. A process that normally takes 2-4 months on average (but can take as little as 2-4 weeks in some more rare instances) took us about 10 months. This should be mighty encouraging to any fellow adopting couples that have started the home study but hit setbacks. I was so discouraged at many points, but thankfully God always refocused me and reassured me that He knows what He is doing. That maybe, just maybe, He's up to something bigger than we know when things don't work out according to our plans.

So November arrived and we thought we could breathe. We were told that we were on the wait list and that I would be called soon to discuss where we were on it. I was so excited. Anyone who has adopted before knows what a relief it is to have a number, even if that number is high. It still feels like an accomplishment, a step closer. It is also tangible proof that you are not driving yourself insane without good reason- your child(ren) is(are) waiting while you also wait and work to get there, and as that number drops the waiting for all involved will get shorter and shorter. Because we are in a pilot program that is currently not accepting any more new families until our agency gets more families matched and more orphans home with their new adoptive families, I had an educated guess that, worst case scenario, we would be about #20 on the list. After playing phone tag with "M" for several days, we ended up being told that they've decided to not give out numbers for many reasons, all of which I do understand. Yet another joy to being in a pilot program.

After we finished our home study interviews, "M" still needed to write it up and prepare it for Immigration. We received our final copy of it for review sometime in November and the agency sent it to Alabama DHR, who requires they approve it before it is sent to Immigration. Meanwhile, we sent our I600A to Immigration, along with the required fee.

Well... guess what happened to our home study when it got to Alabama DHR?

It was finally located - and swiftly approved - in February. Off to Immigration it went.

On Thursday I received an e-mail from our Immigration officer assigned to our case. I can't talk about it due to confidentiality, but we encountered yet another road block, again not of any fault of ours or "M"s. It is an easy fix though, and hopefully we will have our Immigration approval soon. This setback isn't a big deal, since it could potentially be several more months until we get our referral for our child(ren) anyways.

To anyone else that keeps facing seemingly unending stumbling blocks in pursuit of something that's been placed in your heart by God, remember James 1:2-4. Endurance is so very crucial, and we can consider these trials as opportunity for great joy. Nothing of high value comes easily. When you are following the will of God for your life, satan will do whatever he can to make you turn around. We are not going to back down and we are not going to give up. To God the glory for being our strength and our joy. I look forward to what's coming, because I know that He's got this all already planned out. And His plans are GOOD.

Catching Up, Part 1

Has it really been SEVEN MONTHS since I last updated this blog?? Wow, this is pathetic, especially because I love to write in my spare time... Granted, spare time for me was quite elusive until recent weeks. Also, those writings are composed in journals between me and God, so it's a little easier for me to do. It doesn't take as much time as blog posts because I just pour out my heart and thoughts without much concern for if it is grammatically and structurally correct (and without any thought as to who may possibly misunderstand my tone or intentions in any given sentence). He already knows what I'm going to say before I say it, so the pressure's off for me to try to write well in order to clearly communicate to Him what I am really trying to say. Now if all of you could only know what I'm going to say before I say it, and understand what I mean by those words, perhaps I'll feel less pressured to spend so much time thinking, organizing, editing, and proofreading. Come on, get with it folks. (I kid, I kid.)


My outdated blog is also pathetic because some of our friends and family members have bought our adoption t-shirts, and they may be wearing them in public. (I know of specifically three people that I have seen wear them out of the house, which may seem like nothing but it is a huge deal to me! Thank you!) Wearing them in public may result in some people seeing our website across the back of the shirt and checking this page out. Which probably has resulted in people that don't even know us pulling it up and assuming the lack of updates means we have either abandoned ship or have completed the adoption by now. We have done neither. Please keep reading :)

Ok, so now that we all know it was pathetic of me to neglect the blog, I am going to try to fight the urge to create perfectly written posts in hopes that it will help me actually enjoy this more instead of stressing about it. I love to write letters, and I would love to be able to talk in posts as if I'm writing my best friend... just honestly, openly, without fear of being judged or offending. I have started many posts sporadically in my phone as things come to mind that I'd like to share with you regarding our adoption or just adoption in general, but I keep putting them off. I think I've been in college too many years, which has largely contributed to the anxiety I feel each time I sit down in front of my computer and start typing. Like I am writing something that is going to be graded or critiqued.

I also have been hesitant to post because I teeter on my intentions for this blog. Do I want this to be an "information only" blog where I simply keep to the facts of what's going on? Or do I want to share anything and everything that weighs on my heart along the journey also, knowing that this will make me vulnerable to judgments, being misunderstood, and probably offending some people?

So regardless of what I end up choosing to do, I'll finally update you now. There is so much to say, but I don't want to turn this into a novel. I'll just start with what's going on now, and then walk you backwards from there in "Part 2," which is already drafted and should be published on here within the next day or two.

Right now we are waiting to be matched with an orphan or up to two orphans, boy(s) or girl(s) ages 4 or under, so that we can then receive a referral for them and start court process to bring them home. We do not know how long we will be waiting before we get matched; When the program first opened it was an anticipated 3-6 month wait, but now it is longer. At the same time we are also currently trying to start saving again for the next fees and expenses that will be coming up when we receive that referral. The latest payment, which covered our I600A form (U.S. Immigration) fee, part of our agency fee, and part of our attorney fee for the lawyer that is representing us in DRC, wiped out all that we had left from fundraisers/donations and the remainder of what we had personally saved specifically for the adoption. (In a related note, the "Donate through WePay" button to the right is an active, safe way to help us if it is laid on your heart to do so. For all our supports- past, present, and future- we are humbled and grateful for your love and compassion that compels you to do so.)

We are finished with our end of things as far as education credits and mountains of paperwork and home study fun... well, for the most part. We just moved from Florence, Alabama to Chelsea (near Birmingham) on March 1. I FINALLY earned my degree! I graduated in December 2012 from UNA with my bachelor's in Elementary Education. Brett received a job transfer to Birmingham in October and was commuting there 4-5 days a week- a 5 HOUR trip there and back each time. We then put our house up for sale January 1 and were not able to move until March. Because we have moved, our home study will need to be updated with new information. This shouldn't be a big deal but might be a task, seeing as our home study is still sitting at Immigration waiting for approval. Hopefully this won't cause yet another setback, but even if it does we will still be on the wait list at the same time. In November, when we were first put on the list, our case worker "M" let me know just how bad the situation is over there and why there have been delays in matching families. (Without going into detail, corruption is the problem.) In January I received an e-mail and was told it could "potentially be a long time" before we are matched. Sigh. This is so hard for so many reasons, the obvious one being that there are millions of orphans waiting, hoping, dreaming. And there are probably thousands of families like us doing all they can to bring home their children, reminding themselves that with each passing day they are surely one day closer to meeting and bringing home the ones they loved long before they even saw the first picture.

For us, we knew when we signed up for this pilot program that a very unreliable timeline was one of the risks involved. We also knew the orphan crisis is too great to even imagine. In the DRC alone the orphans are so numerous that many live on the streets, trying to care for their siblings as well as themselves at an age that the rest of us are sending our kids to kindergarten.

But despite the urgent crisis, the timeline varies agency to agency, country to country, family to family. For example, a country that has a stable relationship with U.S. and has worked to develop a more predictable, routine process is going to have a fairly dependable timeline. Another example is that the timeline will, in most cases, be shorter when the adopting family is open to older children and children with special needs. Because we are open to a child up to 4 years old, it is likely that we won't be waiting to be matched as long as a family that is waiting for an infant even if they are closer to the top of the wait list than us. Regardless, the program initially had an approximate timeline of about 12-15 months, then an updated one a few months after that (15-18 months), and then another one in December (18-24 months). As you can imagine, with each of these came disappointment, frustration, pain, and heartache. But also in each one we've experienced an even deeper reliance on God and trusting in Him alone while seeking out what He desires us to do. We take each step seriously because another child's life- possibly two- depends on our decisions.

So we don't have a timeline with any detail because apparently the DRC is a much harder country to start up a program in than other countries have been in the past. The agency we are with is very trustworthy and they do not believe in allowing bribery or participating in other forms of corruption in order to get their clients matched and moved through courts faster. Their integrity we've witnessed thus far is admirable. They are determined to do things right, even if that ends up being a harder road. Through reading blogs I have came across some other adoptive families that have completed the process significantly faster through different means other than large agencies, but even then the wait is rarely under a year, which still seems too long when the need is so great.

We started this process 16 months ago. When setback after setback first started occurring we considered switching agencies or possibly switching to a different program within our agency like we were told some other couples were doing (and "M" invited us to do the same if we wanted), but we believe we are doing the right thing by sticking with this one. We have invested so much time, so many tears, and a lot of prayer and money (as well as others who have supported us) into this specific journey so I don't see us being led out of it, as tempted as we have been. We are being stretched and we are growing, and if I decide to be vulnerable on here then I will go into more detail on just what the "stretching and growing" has looked like for me.

So why does it take so long? That's one of the biggest questions I get asked. I wish it wasn't this way. It is a process that is much more complicated than one would think because so much is involved (along with so many people in authority over various aspects of it). There are domestic and international government policies and laws to be followed and the paperwork fulfilled, unreliable court processes, disorganization and chaotic conditions within the way orphanages are being run, and (shocker) corruption everywhere. So as children through no fault of their own sleep on the streets or in overcrowded orphanages with hungry bellies tonight, we have no choice but to continue to pray hard and wait.

We have to just be patient and keep trusting God's timing. We see now why it's best that our original timeline and plans did not work out (which had us anticipating bringing our child home by now), and I will share about that a little more in detail in Part 2.

Thank you to those who have come alongside us on our journey. Your kind words, donations, and prayers have meant more to us than you know.

PS- To anyone considering adoption: PLEASE DO NOT LET THE DIFFICULTY OF IT KEEP YOU FROM DIVING IN! It's worth it. It's worth it.

Trusting, Running, Selling

Ok, I'm just going to be real here as I talk about things involving trusting, running, and selling. I can't pretend like I have my act together on these three important things when I really don't. So please don't judge! Pray, show me some love by looking at these things with an open and caring heart, but don't sit there and think, "That girl's got issues." (Well, I guess you can think that if you want, since I am  already admitting that I do...) Deep breath, and here I go.

Trusting...

To those that visit our site pretty regularly looking for an update... I am so sorry! We have not had anything to report, but we are hoping for some good news soon. We did have an online meeting (webinar) with our adoption agency, and it was cool to get to see the faces of some of the others that are taking this same journey to adopt from DRC on this pilot program. I do have a few things I want to say regarding things we have learned about our adoptive child(ren) through meeting with our case worker and through the webinar, but I will save that stuff until I can find the time to write about it well. I just want to keep the focus of this post on what's going on with fundraising right now, and some of my thoughts about each of the fundraisers. Because here we are, nine months on our journey since we first applied to adopt. Almost all we had saved has been paid out (we have a little left of what we had saved prior to starting, in addition to all that has been donated/fundraised so far), and we are starting to feel the financial burden of this process trying to intimidate us. I call it a "burden" with hesitancy because this is a burden we are happy to carry. It is necessary (although we wish so much it wasn't, since many - including ourselves - hesitate to adopt due to the cost), and it is worth every penny. 

Ok, and here begins my "issues": I can't help but feel like a few people out there think it is wrong of us to be so open about our financial need, like we should've had ALL of it saved before we started and it's not their problem that we don't. I feel like maybe that thought, or something similar, is what keeps some from choosing to help. Unless you do feel that way, please don't take that personally. No specific person comes to mind. Maybe I think some people feel that way because it is ME feeling that way in those moments where I stress about the sum of money we are needing. But then I let God deal with my stress, and He reminds me that He called us on this journey and He won't abandon us no matter what the struggle is we face. It shows in me a lack of trust in God to provide, and I never want to be found not trusting Him. HE IS MY LIFE! So when I step back I realize that this isn't about me and my fears. This is about God, about doing what He has etched so deeply onto our hearts and sent us to do with the command to not worry about how or when He will provide. He's not bound to time, so He doesn't feel the pressure of time frames like I do. I need to keep reminding myself that. 

The second ugly thing in my thoughts/feelings sometimes is I feel like people get annoyed when I am constantly talking about something related to fundraising on Facebook... about yard sales or Scentsy products or t-shirts, or, more recently, a 5K. It seems these things don't get quite the response as other things I post on Facebook because they involve an investment into our adoption beyond hitting the like button. And, let me reiterate, nobody in specific comes to mind as I write this. Nobody has directly said anything to me to make me feel this way... it's just a feeling I get, even if it's a wrong one. Because my intentions are not to annoy people or tempt them to hide me from their Newsfeed. All I want is to provide everyone an opportunity to partner with us in forever changing the life/lives of an orphan/s, and I can't do that well without using social media. To those that have taken me up on such opportunities: You have made my heart glad and I delight in seeing your generosity, love, and desire to help. On the flip side, if you are feeling offended because you haven't done anything to help... please don't be. It is not my desire to make anyone feel like they are supposed to want to be involved in any of our fundraisers, yet I know with writing it is hard for you to see my heart. I am merely sharing what it feels like when something that means the world to you gets treated as if it's just another cookie dough fundraiser for a school. It hurts a little. But that hurt gets swallowed up whole whenever even just one or two people respond with a willing heart. All you willing hearts, you have no idea what it has meant to us. You definitely keep discouragement and frustration from overtaking us. May we be a blessing to you as you have been a blessing to us.

Running...

I have never been one that enjoys it. I started running (yeah... with large intervals of walking and jogging mixed in) as part of my gym routine in January and still don't enjoy it. But when a precious friend/runner asked if we had considered a 5K as a means to raise money, I decided that I would learn to like running. I will learn to like just about anything if it is going to help us bring our kid(s) home. We decided in the early summer that we wanted to try to coordinate a 5K Race/ Fun Run to benefit our adoption. Little did we know exactly how much work and money that entails. When we found out that it really wasn't going to be doable this year, that precious friend/runner at church suggested that we run in a race that has already been planned, try to recruit some others to join us as a team, and seek out sponsors to donate to our cause. I was a little nervous because, as is obvious above, I am struggling with some feelings of rejection at times. What if nobody joins us? What if nobody donates? But again I knew that God was telling me to let go of the "what ifs" and seek Him. 

So we decided to go for it. As we prayed for direction as to what 5K to run, God literally mailed it to us. It was totally surreal.

Let me back up for a minute. There are not a whole lot of 5Ks to choose from in our big ole city. After speaking with that running friend of ours, we had decided a couple months ago we were going to choose a local school's 5K fundraiser. Brielle goes to preschool there, so we figured it would be a good place for our registration fee to go to since we do have to pay that to run. But after checking the date of it a few weeks ago, we found out it is the exact same morning that we had already bought tickets to Disney on Ice as celebration of Brielle's 5th birthday. Brielle chose those tickets over having a party, so we couldn't cancel on her. So this 5K plan fell through the day after I posted on Facebook that we were trying to organize a team. I was afraid that we would not find another run that would be suited for us. Then, my worry disappeared as God reassured me that He has a plan. 

A few days pass. Brett brings the mail in after work and sits at the kitchen table, going through it. I join him, and my heart was just totally overjoyed when in my hand I held a postcard from our adoption agency, Lifeline. The front reads: "R(un) for One: Hope for the (un)adopted. Saturday September 29, 2012". On the back is all of the details. That date is the weekend after Brielle's birthday. When I saw this, I was just like... Wow! No way, God! This is perfect and AWESOME! Perfect date, not a big registration fee, and perfect cause that our registration goes to!! It was just incredible. Lifeline is a non-profit Christian agency that works in our country as well as many across the world. But they don't just work to place orphans into forever families, although that in itself would still be an amazing thing. They don't stop there. They also work to bring care to the orphans that are not being adopted. There are between 147-163 MILLION orphans in the world. How many get adopted per year? Roughly 250,000. But as those are being adopted, millions more are still being orphaned. This is an epidemic that most of the world ignores, whether on purpose or out of lack of awareness. Ok sorry for the soapbox moment. Let me get to my point: The registration fee is going to now be used to help orphans, while the donations we raise are going to be used to help bring our orphan(s) home. We know two things: They are there, living in horrifying conditions, alone, with saddening statistics stacked against the hope of being embraced into a loving family in this lifetime. And we also know that more than anything our hearts long for them to be home NOW... So we can show them how much we value, cherish, and adore them and tell them how much they are loved. So we can kiss them goodnight and tell them everything is ok when they awaken from a nightmare. So we can teach them about the amazing, unfailing love of Jesus Christ and raise them to trust in Him as their Savior, Redeemer, and King. So we can provide their basic needs, which are currently going unmet or poorly met. So we can show them the love that Jesus has shown us by adopting us into His family. 

And we don't have pictures or know their names or their sex or their age, but we know that they are there right now because God has set in us an insatiable love and desire for them to be here in our arms as our son(s)/daughter(s). That is only one or two less orphans out of 147-163 million. Nevertheless... it is still one or two less. So we pray that the desire God rooted in us to pursue adoption take root in the hearts of believers, and we pray for the orphans without families pursuing them, and we donate and we speak out for them. And now, we get to run for them. My heart is broken yet overjoyed all at once. Because God is faithful, and beautiful, and the giver of everything good. Love for orphans, though sometimes excruciatingly painful, is good. Adoption is good. Those precious children, made in His image, are good. Through loving and serving and accepting them, we love and serve and accept Jesus Christ Himself. Another unintended soapbox moment. I will step down now and give you the details, lest you be interested in joining our team:

When: Saturday September 29, 2012, 8:00 am
Where: Birmingham, AL. 4800 Valleydale Road
Cost: $30 if registered by September 26; $35 on race day


As far as trying to raise money, all I know to do is just ask. "Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." (2 Corin 9:7) In other words, if you don't have much to give but it has been decided in your heart, $5 is a beautiful gift. It is a matter of what is laid on hearts, not the actual number. There is no amount too great or small, and we have seen exactly how a bunch of small amounts come together to make a big amount (ie: our yard sale). We are just going to trust God and obey His lead, and whether or not this fundraiser ends up raising the amount we need now is not going to concern us or rob us of any of the joy we get to experience along this 5K journey! And after a crazy 1st month of internship derailed my workout/running schedule, it felt good to get back on the treadmill today. I only have 13 days to prepare and to try to raise some money, but I am determined to not worry. Even if we raise nothing, it will still be an incredible cause that our registration fees go to. And, it will be my our first time to complete a 5K race. Hopefully I can learn to love running between now and then. Didn't love it today... but I did like it, just a little.

To sponsor us in this run through a donation upon us completing the 5K, there are a few different ways you can send me the amount that's on your heart. Just state the amount you are pledging and I will contact you as to how to get it to me in the week following the race. You can message it to me on Facebook, tell me in person, e-mail, or call/text. If you do not know us personally but want to pledge, you can do so by e-mailing us at richardsonadoptionafrica@gmail.com. Just include the amount you'd like to pledge and the best way to contact you (phone? text? facebook? e-mail?). Thank you in advance, whoever you are. I can't help but feel like there are going to be some that will support us in this way. 

Selling...

If you are my friend on Facebook, you undoubtedly know this already. But to those that don't, about two months ago I made the decision to start selling Scentsy brand products as a way to raise additional money for our adoption. If you haven't heard of Scentsy, it is described as "candles that are flameless and wickless. Decorative Scentsy Warmers use a 25-watt light bulb to heat scented wax. The scent is warmed out of the wax without the harm of lead, chemicals, or soot releasing into the air. There are more than 50 unique warmers and over 80 scents to choose from." In addition to warmers and other items that release a great scent (for example, Travel Tins and Scent Circles that can be used for cars or closets; a spray in many different scents to be used in any room; Scent Buddies, which are stuffed animals with a hidden scent packet to easily and safely fill a play room or child's bedroom with a wonderful scent of your choice), there is also a line of scented beauty products and products to use in your washer and dryer. I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time talking about Scentsy right now because, to be honest, it is not my undying passion. My undying passion is to bring my child(ren) home. So you can imagine how much it meant to me when friends and family alike came to my Launch Party and supported my new endeavor that is helping. Some of them bought so much that I fought back tears of gratitude. They weren't buying solely because they loved the products; They were buying to show me love... and I really felt it. 

Even though it cannot be a huge focus of mine in this stage of my life, this does NOT mean I don't enjoy selling Scentsy! In addition to the profit I make going to our adoption, I love being able to be confident about standing behind this product as a Consultant because it is high-quality, very useful (who doesn't want their house, car, body, and laundry to smell pleasant??), and I personally use it and have been impressed with how great it works. I haven't been as successful in raising funds this way because it does take a lot of time and effort. While I have enjoyed the two parties where I represented Scentsy as a Consultant, I do not have what it takes right now to try to convince people to host parties. I just am trying to get the word out that I have a product that is great for yourself or as a gift to others, and in buying it you help our cause. Maybe when I am finished with internship I will be able to put all the time and energy into growing my sales that I would like to. 

If you are interested in seeing what this Scentsy talk is about, you can look at the products/order from me on my website and have it sent directly to your home without even having any contact with me, which is especially great for those that aren't local but want to support our adoption in this way. My website is dezrichardson.scentsy.us (or just click here.). If you are local and want to smell the waxes before making an order, I would love to meet up with you and let you do that.

The 3rd and final fundraiser going on right now is our adoption t-shirt sales. This may sound pathetic, but they are still sitting in the box they were delivered in. In my mind I want to spread them out, take pictures, and list the quantities we have in the different sizes in hopes that someone will like the design, see their size, and contact me wanting to buy one (or two, or three...). But I haven't done that yet, and I think that part of the reason is that I'm scared. That sounds silly, and I hate to admit it because I just wrote a blog post a few months back about letting go of fear. But I have seen more than one adoption blog that have a post about what a failure their t-shirts were. And how they have boxes of them stored up in their garages. Wasted money, a failed investment that had hopes of a profit. We don't have a whole lot of room for failure in the financial part of our adoption timeline. Every penny counts. 

Oh! Side note, something I wanted to share that just typing "Every penny counts" reminded me about... a dear friend of ours told me that her teenage son is collecting a big jar of pennies to donate to our adoption. He decided he wanted to do that for us and asked her if she thought we could use them. I had to fight back some tears when she told me about it. The thoughtfulness, the love... So awesome. Ok, back to the t-shirts.

I have to fight through my fear of failure and get the word out there about all these shirts. After all, there have been some adoption bloggers who were so overwhelmed at the support they received in t-shirt sales. I think I still have a few people to contact that pre-ordered when I was trying to figure out how many I should buy, so I will start there... and I will get those pictures and the quantities up soon too. If you are interested in buying one, please leave me a comment below or use one of the contact methods I gave out earlier in this blog post. As always, I do not take your support for granted and I can never fully express our gratitude. 

(Part 2) Fundraising Effort #1 - Yard Sale

Day 3 - Saturday, June 16

To those that have been checking back in anticipation of "Part 2", I am sorry for the delay! I'm not going to be as detailed in this post (well, I am going to try not to be...).

Saturday started off better than Friday because I instantly felt less stressed due to the amount of help I had. I was still very sleep deprived, but the grogginess faded as I was filled with anticipation of what was to come. I was surrounded by such incredible people: My husband, his mom Kim, his sister Abby, my dear "little sister" Corvetta, and friends Jenn and Melissa. Jenn, Corvetta, and Melissa did a great job of organizing things, folding clothes, helping me price things, or anything else I asked of them. Kim brought lemonade, coffee, and a ton of baked goods to sell: Banana nut bread, chocolate chip muffins, blueberry muffins, brownies, walnut brownies, and then Abby brought a variety of cookies. The banana nut bread was a hit and sold out first. Brielle later came out and ran the bakery/ lemonade stand. Kim, known as "Kiki" to the grandkids, helped Brielle make change for people. Brielle loved being the "Baker" and cashier. Jenn made a sign that said "Brielle's Bakery" written in calligraphy that hung from the table. We all got a good laugh when someone would ask for a brownie or a muffin and Brielle would say, "Ok, that will be fifty dollars please." We tried explaining to her the difference between dollars and cents, but to her right now money is money and the value is irrelevant. :)

Regarding everyone that came early to help: Having each of them around was so moving to me... and although their talents and abilities in helping were wonderful, what had me frequently on the brink of tears was looking around and knowing they were there because they support this adoption. And I believe their support stems not solely out of love for us, but out of love for our child(ren) that they haven't yet laid eyes on. Not everyone that adopts has friends and family that agree with/ want to support their choice. To be honest, we weren't sure what type of reaction to expect from everyone but we knew God was pleased so that was enough to motivate us to go down this road. God is love. Without Him, love wouldn't exist and neither would we. This is where our "Motivated by Love" slogan comes from. Both God's love for us to adopt us into His family and His immeasurable desire to place orphans into families captivated our hearts and motivated us to take action.

I was SO HAPPY to have him with me Saturday!

Corvetta and Melissa. Both of these fabulous ladies have very special places in my heart.

KiKi, Jenn, and Brielle. Blessed to know each of them.

Below are pictures of our setup of all the stuff. Despite such a successful Friday, we still had more stuff than we could lay out! The clothing was definitely more organized due to all the help we got Friday night (see Part #1 post). Tony and Brett did a great job making a way for us to hang a lot of the clothes to make them more appealing and easier to browse through. 

We got to see many familiar faces on Saturday, which really made our day that much sweeter. Some of them picked out some items and then purposely overpaid us for them. Two of Brett's brothers in Christ came by simply to visit and donated cash. Christina, John, and Jess- three friends I talked about in the last post- came by with their families. To make things even greater, we were given a really cool offer: Sara Beth's parents are owners of an auto repair shop in a neighboring city. They offered their shop's parking lot and even their own home as locations for our next yard sale. As if that wasn't enough, they even offered to hold all of our current and future donated items in an unused storage area until then! This is such a HUGE blessing!! I feel like we cannot ever adequately express how thankful we are for everyone and everything. 

One of the consequences about waiting over a week later to finish a post I had started is that a lot of the details of the day have sorta blurred. So the following stories are in no particular order, but I wanted to share some of the day's events: 

Oops.

Remember the book Brielle got in her Chick-fil-a meal on Thursday? Well, here are two of the pages from it: 

I remember thinking as I read this part to Brielle how hard it would be to try to explain to a child that the stuffed animal she had set her heart on was not really for sale. Well, despite my efforts of scanning the entire box of stuffed animals to ensure none of Brielle's favorites were in there, one of them was. It was Valentine, her white Build-A-Bear cat wearing a pink dress that Brett and I bought her last Valentine's Day. And, at around noon, my heart dropped as I saw the little girl following her mom... holding tightly to the cat. My thoughts went about something like this: "Valentine! How did she get out here? I can't just take it away from the little girl. But this one is special, and worth so much more than the fifty cents or one dollar that we have priced all the stuffed animals at. Maybe it belonged to the girl and she's just carrying it around from yard sale to yard sale?" Maybe I over-analyzed what to do, but I just really did not want to face a brokenhearted sobbing little girl and an angry mom, chastising me for allowing the stuffed animal to make its way outside- which I felt was inevitable if I didn't handle the situation gently. Distracted by the yucky situation playing out in my head and not being 100% positive that it was Brielle's, I decided to say nothing until they came over to pay. Besides, maybe she's just playing with it until it's time to go, then she will be told to put it back. Lots of kids have done this with other toys all day... yep, that's what will happen. Problem solved.

Just as they came over to me to pay for their items, I took a harder look at the stuffed animal and felt certain it was Brielle's. And as I prepared to break the news to the mom and precious little girl, who was still tightly gripping Valentine, Brielle walked up...

It only took about half a heartbeat for her to realize what was going on. I was afraid she was going to do the same thing the boy did in the book and snatch it away... but she acted at a maturity level way beyond her age. She walked up to her and said that she was sorry but that was her kitty and asked if she could please have it back. Talk about a proud momma moment! I honestly was afraid she was going to burst into tears and be really mean about it, yanking it from the girl's grasp. The little girl just looked at Brielle, still clinging to it, as I explained to the mom what had happened. She smiled and explained to her daughter that the cat belonged to Brielle. I apologized profusely to both of them, and was relieved at the little girl's willingness to hand it over. No tears. No yelling, angry mom. Whew. I told the little girl to pick out another one and she could have it for free. Both mom and the little girl seemed happy with my offer, and I was happy that they were so understanding.

Awkward.
Contrary to what I anticipated, we only had about a handful of people that asked questions or wanted to talk about the adoption. The most awkward encounter happened Saturday. An elderly woman, probably in her sixties, walked up to Corvetta and me.
Lady: "So, you are going to adopt from Africa?"
Me: "Yes ma'am, we are in the process of it now!"
Lady: (not as enthusiastic as me) "Oh, ok." (Pointing to Corvetta) "Is she your daughter?"
Me: "No, she's my little sister."
Lady: (To me, confused yet nodding her head) "Oh, okay." (Looking at Corvetta, apparently assuming we were sisters through adoption) "So do you like it over here?"
Corvetta: (Smiling, and not wanting to embarass the woman) "Yes."
Lady: (Smiling) "Good."
Me: "Oh, she's not from Africa. She's from here."  

The woman sorta apologizes in an awkward fashion as she turns and walks away. Corvetta and I shared a good laugh about it. I wanted to explain to the woman that I call her my little sister because we are both daughters of God, therefore through our faith in Christ we are truly sisters.
(Even if she was adopted, what kind of question is, "Do you like it over here?" anyways!? *sigh*)

Another woman later asked Corvetta if we are all going to Africa. She explained that Brett and I will be going there when it's time to pick up our child(ren), but she isn't going. Again the woman left confused. Corvetta and I have adjusted to the confused looks. We hang out together a lot in town, and it seems like people try to figure out our relationship when they see a young black teenager with an almost-thirty, very white me. 

(This is for a later blog post, but through all this I can't help but think about the types of looks and potentially awkward situations we will face as a multiracial family. I've read in blogs and books about the types of things that strangers, some with good intentions and some without, commonly ask or say to multi-racial families and I have asked God already to show me how to reply using graceful words while also protecting my kids from hearing something that could hurt them.)

It all counts.

Saturday started off painfully slow. I was a little nervous at first, because I had heard that Saturdays are supposed to be busier than Fridays. Plus it was cloudy, which made the morning temperature more pleasant than the previous day. The people that were coming were buying small amounts, and I felt part of me wanting to worry that the day would flop but ultimately I just rested knowing that God's got this... He's got us, and every part of our life we surrender to Him. As Brett and I counted out the money at the end of the day, I was shocked to see that we had raised about $800. In change alone we had $30-something. These amounts shocked me. Not only did we seem slower, but the total purchases of each shopper were a lot lower. But I really felt God revealing something I already knew at a deeper level: Every dollar counts. Even every quarter. Every PENNY. A little here, a little there... it adds up, sometimes faster than we realize. 

So the weekend has been over for several days now, and it was harder than I imagined but worth every minute. Because on Monday, we headed to the bank with that $1,600 to deposit into our adoption fund. And on top of that, we still have loads of stuff left to put towards the next yard sale.

Our next yard sale will take place either in late July or the second week in August. If you or anyone you know is looking to get rid of some stuff, please let us know! We still have a large amount of clothing, but we can always use more- especially in girls and boys sizes 3T on up to young men's/ junior's sizes in girls. Furniture, home decor, DVDs, and books all also could be very helpful for us, as they were very popular items being sought after. In addition, anything not named here is also encouraged! Every little thing helps.

We are going to try to have a 3rd and final yard sale in October. The remaining stuff will either be passed on to someone else who plans on coordinating a fundraiser yard sale or it will be donated to charity. 

Next Up in Our Fundraising World: 

• T-shirts are here! (I will post pictures soon)
• I am becoming a Scentsy consultant, and will be having my first party within the next 3 weeks. 
• Cookbook order (huge thank you to Kim for this idea and collecting the recipes!)

One Final Thought:
It still feels "too good to be true"... that something I never thought would be possible which is literally life-changing for us as well as our future children is slowly unfolding right before my eyes. I feel so blessed that God chose us to walk this difficult, blessed, crazy beautiful path. Perhaps He has chosen you to do the same? If you ever have felt an inkling of desire to adopt, I want to encourage you to set aside all the "what if"s and human reasoning ("It's too expensive, we could never afford it...", etc) and seek God's will. It's not impossible, and it's not as scary as satan wants to make people believe as long as your eyes stay on Christ each step. It's gonna be worth it, I know this to be true for us and anyone else who chooses to take this path. It's worth it.